


CQ Cumber Expansion

by FizzyCorrupts



Category: Splatoon
Genre: Gets dumber every chapter, I can't even classify this as comedy, I don't fucking know honestly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-16 10:40:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15435249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FizzyCorrupts/pseuds/FizzyCorrupts
Summary: I don't know what's going on with my life at this point, please help.





	1. Gumbo McScrumbo: The Train Demon of Death

I could feel the weight pushing down upon me. The pain of death incoming. There was no escaping it. His mech’s giant-ass foot was gonna crush me. God fucking dammit. I couldn’t believe this. How could this happen.

*record scratch* Yep, that’s me. I bet you’re wondering how I got into this situation. How could I, THE Hip Hop Master CQ Cumber, get into such a predicament. Well I’ll tell you.

It all started on a really fucking nice day in the middle of fucking August. I am cursing for emphasis, can’t you tell. I’m doing the hip things that hip kids done do. I was done with worth and relaxing all cool. I was shootin’ some B-ball 2 outside of the Shoal. When a couple of guys, they were up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood. I ate their flesh.

I went on my way, my belly full. I returned to work and started my train duties. But that’s when the vortex opened. The vortex, you know the one. Out of it climbed my ancient enemy, Gumbo McScrumbo: The Train Demon of Death.

“One Line. Two Lines. Two Lines Again. Two Lines, but one is on its side.” Screeched the demon. I whipped out my work issued Heavy Splatling that fired lead instead of ink and began shooting at him. He screamed in pain, but then puffed out his pecs and deflected my shots.

“Oh shit!” I yelled, pulling out my Inkzooka and firing upon him. Scrumbo wasn’t one to take such things lightly and began to eat the train around us. Oh christ. I jumped off into the void, landing on the back of a buff Sea Angel named Fredward. He was nice. I ate his flesh to gain power. I took his E-liter and started to expertly solve an 8-ball test. Then I messed up and blew up my own ink pack. Bummer

But soon I returned with renewed confidence and began my journey anew. I fought off Sanitized Octarians with the strength of my buff arms and beautiful eyes. But nothing prepared me for the boss. It was my old college roommate, Chaz McLovemuffin.

We fought a bloody battle and I consumed him. Aw yeah.

I ran out of ideas for where to take this, bye.


	2. Frank

I slid down a water slide, making my way to freedom. I played Woomy-oh Duel Linkz on my iPhone 93, pounding down 8,000 dollars on my account to buy every card available. Even that one. You know the one. Especially that one.

When I came off the waterslide, I whipped out my charger and began to charge my phone’s battery. This was a necessity in the modern day, where phone batteries last about 4 minutes at best. 

“I’m gonna break this pool party wide open.” I yelled, doing a back flip into an Inkling. 

“Yo, what the fuck dude?!” The 14 year old cursed. I was mad at him for his potty mouth and shot him with a charger. He screamed in agony. Fire burned in my eyes. It hurt. I jumped into a nearby pool of water and swam as fast as I could. Suddenly from the depths emerged my mortal enemy: Clambus McScrambus.

“CQ Cumber! Prepare to die!” He yelled with force of mouth. I threw a frag grenade into his mouth and he was soon dead. I cheered. The 14 year old, recovered from death, approached me.

“Sorry for my disrespect, Sir.” He saluted, tears streaming from his eyes. I realized the boy looked familiar.

“Son?!” I exclaimed, in shock from encountering my progeny.

“Dad?!” He also exclaimed. We embraced in a public display of affection

We were reunited as father and son.


	3. Hootie and the Blowfish Experience

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I meet my family again, but it's not all fun and games.

I was reunited with my son at the end of last chapter. It was a magical experience full of clowns and pear shaped banana splits. But today on Magnum P.I we’re going to be meeting my ex-wife Margaret. Will I survive this horrid ideal? Find out this time on Cumber Ball Z.

So I backflipped through the window, as one normally does. It was valid, I assure you. I landed on top of a freshly cooked turkey. It hurt greatly. That’s how I discovered turkeys can cause third degree burns, but that’s a tale for another time. 

Margaret looked at me from her seat. She cried at the very thought that I once again was in her life. Nobody gets rid of CQ Cumber, not even with a restraining order. I was not restrained because I was a horrible person or anything. It was because I caused millions of dollars in property damage that left my family in crippling debt. Fair reason to get a restraining order to be perfectly honest. I was hauled off after the incident to work in the trains underground with a robot telephone named Corporal Ketchup. He died as he lived.

“Dad!” My three children yelled. In order of age was Land, aged 14; Sky, aged 18, and Jimboman, aged 20. Land and I had already reunited the day before. He’d invited me over for dinner to reunite with the others. Sky was in awe at my appearance. This was the first time she’d seen me in 14 years. Jimboman could have cared less, for his name did not work as a pun with Q Cumber. But an extra place was set at the table, despite the family’s lack of prior knowledge of my arrival (Land excluded.)

“Who is the extra seat for?” I asked, pondering if maybe Margaret had remarried. Laugh track. I was scared of the laugh track. I begged Cod to turn it off, so he did.

“Land’s girlfriend is coming over for dinner, she’ll be here soon.” Sky said, with a tone implying she was attempting to tease her brother.

“Ohoho.” I turned to Land. “A girlfriend you say? What’s her name?”

“O-oh, her name is Agent 8!” Land responded excitedly. Suddenly, I wanted to die. I wonder if she’d remember me and the countless times I blew her up. Nah, probably not.

What was I to do though?! My greatest enemy in my house?! This can’t be good.

See the epic conclusion next time on CQ Cumber Expansion Chapter 4: “My Son is Dating my Nemesis? Agent 8 Strikes Back!”


End file.
